by Chrystii
Although it has been 46 days since I've been on the "Outside".
I don't believe I've made much progress since I've been on the "Inside".
I've just about ended up back on Square One.
Well, perhaps its more like Square 1.99.
Still, It isn't Square Two.
I'm back home with my parent's, still working the same two minimum wage jobs, and above all that I'm no longer enrolled in school.
Maybe I’ve stepped Backwards?
No, I couldn’t have, because I’ve actually made some progress.
The nightmares that have haunted me for 365 nights for several years,
The vivid nightmares, in which every night I was brutally murdered,
In which I would no longer resemble a possible human form,
The nights in which I would wake up in a sweat, shaking, screaming, ripping out my hair, The nights in which I would get an average of 3-5 hours of sleep.
Yeah. Those aren’t as bad. . . anymore.
I mean, the nightmares are no longer as vivid.
Doesn’t mean they’re gone. That I sleep in peace now, although that’s what I told the friends that I know. I had to show them that I came out somewhat normal now.
Not much progress, but progress nonetheless I suppose.
Not making much sense jumping into the middle am I? Suppose I should explain how I ended up where I did, and came to be where I am now. Well, unfortunately my last blog has been lost ( forgot the password to the first one. Discontinued the second. This is my third) But I wont start from the very beginning, But I’ll start from February 10th.
Friday February 10th was just another day of school. I was working two part time jobs but took a break as I was struggling to keep my GPA in College, being it my first year, but having difficulty only sleeping the few hours I did. Getting only a few hours of sleep doesn’t help with concentration, and college work isn’t the same as high school. That stuff easy peasy lemon squeezy. Pay attention in class, don’t have to study, continue to work. Raise two kids, care for two dogs, clean two houses. Don’t get the wrong impression and think that the kids are actually my own.
The kids I raise are my brother and sister. 10 and 13 respectively.
I raise them now, because I have come to realize that my parents aren’t able to take responsibility for the lives they have created.
My father isn’t so bad. But my mother? Let’s not get into that today shall we?
I happen to be in a decent mood.
Anyways. Friday February 10th.
I know when I’m going to get one of my really bad nightmares, much like how I described earlier. Don’t get me wrong, before I used to get them every night, but some of them weren’t as bad as others, and I didn’t wake up every single night screaming. But I know when those are coming, by the fact that I start to get really anxious and nervous throughout the day for no apparent reason. And I start to get sick.
Having nightmares every single night tends to make you very sleep phobic leading to insomnia.
Yeah, you can be afraid to close your eyes and sleep, when your sleep isn’t peaceful.
That’s what killed me for many years. To not only have to struggle throughout the day, but not even being able to find peace at night.
So Friday I kept myself up. Saturday too. By Sunday I thought ‘ Well, having nightmares is nothing new, so I might as well sleep.’
So I lay myself into bed, tucked the covers around my body, and clutched the pillow in my arms. Deep breathe, close my ey- EYES WIDE OPEN.
‘FUCK’.
Now I couldn’t sleep, because the insomnia kicked in. My fault for not sleeping when I had the chance.
Monday. Class. Tired.
Energy Drink.
Horrible Idea.
I knew it, But I needed it.
‘I have to keep up my high GPA, or I’ll lose my scholarships.
No scholarships= No Money
No Money= No Classes
No Classes= No Dorm
No Dorm= Back Home. . . . With HER
Tuesday
My eyes were pink(red), I had bags under my eyes (thank you makeup)
My body was sore(pains nothing new), my head hurt(yay aspirin).
I needed sleep.
Did I find it that night?
No.
Wednesday.
Ladies and Gentlemen, do you know how it feels to go 6 days sleep deprived?
I sincerely hope you don’t. Not only is it painful, but you tend to lose yourself.
In my desperation for sleep, I went to the one other person who I knew had sleeping issues just like myself.
The difference?
He had medication.
Prescribed Medication.
Do you know where this leads?
Lets cut down this long story.
I took the medication, I downed it, hospital, questioned for hours.
Awake for more hours.
I don’t think I was on the staffs good side.
What with the screaming and yelling and . . . misbehaving.
Sorry, but when your tired and they put you in a hospital and all you ask is for one more sleeping pill cause your tired, your going crazy, and they say no. . . .
You don’t think straight when your tired.
Obviously they all thought I was out to kill myself.
But was I really?
Honestly I’m not sure at this point.
I was really REALLY tired, and maybe in my desperation thought that maybe that was the best way to get it.
Not that I still think so.
Not since I found out that the medicine my doctor was giving me was making me sicker.
That the medicine made the nightmares more vivid.
That without it they aren’t as vivid
That without the wrong medication, the damage has already been done.
That even with the CORRECT medication, I still have them.
That the trauma keeps them there.
That peaceful sleep is unknown to me.
That I don’t know if its possible if I can ever find that in my sleep.
But hey, like I said progress, right?
Soooo, Mental Hospital.
That was fun, and no that isn’t sarcasm.
For once, there was no stress, no fear, I was able to avoid the people I didn’t want to see (and those I did want to see…), no school, no work, no kids, no pressure,
NOTHING.
Nothing to do, but sit, watch tv for an hour, draw, color,
Think.
But now I’m on the outside again, and things have taken a turn for the worst.
At first, I was able to attend school. Til I ended up in the ER again.
Then the school politely kicked me out as they handed me a ‘leave of absence’ form.
My jobs cut down my hours.
I lost my dorm.
My home.
And I’m back to the cell, from where I was kicked out in the first place.
Not that it was the first time I was kicked out of my parents place.
But I was sure hoping it’d be the last.
So where’s all this ‘progress’?
Nightmares are less vivid.
Counseling is somewhat helping me to cope.
Not having to pay for school, is helping me save money.
(For an apartment. Lord only knows when she’ll get sick of me and kick me out again)
Even with low hours, I did get my jobs back.
I’m drawing again.
I am getting more hours of sleep.
But like many people like to tell me, it has to get worse before it gets better.
And this is pretty bad isn’t it?
So I guess, I have to be patient.
And wait for the sun to shine through the black clouds that have been hovering over me for about 13 years.
Lucky numbers right?
Whatever.
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
So tonight I light a candle
And
Hope that I see more of this progress.
I don't believe I've made much progress since I've been on the "Inside".
I've just about ended up back on Square One.
Well, perhaps its more like Square 1.99.
Still, It isn't Square Two.
I'm back home with my parent's, still working the same two minimum wage jobs, and above all that I'm no longer enrolled in school.
Maybe I’ve stepped Backwards?
No, I couldn’t have, because I’ve actually made some progress.
The nightmares that have haunted me for 365 nights for several years,
The vivid nightmares, in which every night I was brutally murdered,
In which I would no longer resemble a possible human form,
The nights in which I would wake up in a sweat, shaking, screaming, ripping out my hair, The nights in which I would get an average of 3-5 hours of sleep.
Yeah. Those aren’t as bad. . . anymore.
I mean, the nightmares are no longer as vivid.
Doesn’t mean they’re gone. That I sleep in peace now, although that’s what I told the friends that I know. I had to show them that I came out somewhat normal now.
Not much progress, but progress nonetheless I suppose.
Not making much sense jumping into the middle am I? Suppose I should explain how I ended up where I did, and came to be where I am now. Well, unfortunately my last blog has been lost ( forgot the password to the first one. Discontinued the second. This is my third) But I wont start from the very beginning, But I’ll start from February 10th.
Friday February 10th was just another day of school. I was working two part time jobs but took a break as I was struggling to keep my GPA in College, being it my first year, but having difficulty only sleeping the few hours I did. Getting only a few hours of sleep doesn’t help with concentration, and college work isn’t the same as high school. That stuff easy peasy lemon squeezy. Pay attention in class, don’t have to study, continue to work. Raise two kids, care for two dogs, clean two houses. Don’t get the wrong impression and think that the kids are actually my own.
The kids I raise are my brother and sister. 10 and 13 respectively.
I raise them now, because I have come to realize that my parents aren’t able to take responsibility for the lives they have created.
My father isn’t so bad. But my mother? Let’s not get into that today shall we?
I happen to be in a decent mood.
Anyways. Friday February 10th.
I know when I’m going to get one of my really bad nightmares, much like how I described earlier. Don’t get me wrong, before I used to get them every night, but some of them weren’t as bad as others, and I didn’t wake up every single night screaming. But I know when those are coming, by the fact that I start to get really anxious and nervous throughout the day for no apparent reason. And I start to get sick.
Having nightmares every single night tends to make you very sleep phobic leading to insomnia.
Yeah, you can be afraid to close your eyes and sleep, when your sleep isn’t peaceful.
That’s what killed me for many years. To not only have to struggle throughout the day, but not even being able to find peace at night.
So Friday I kept myself up. Saturday too. By Sunday I thought ‘ Well, having nightmares is nothing new, so I might as well sleep.’
So I lay myself into bed, tucked the covers around my body, and clutched the pillow in my arms. Deep breathe, close my ey- EYES WIDE OPEN.
‘FUCK’.
Now I couldn’t sleep, because the insomnia kicked in. My fault for not sleeping when I had the chance.
Monday. Class. Tired.
Energy Drink.
Horrible Idea.
I knew it, But I needed it.
‘I have to keep up my high GPA, or I’ll lose my scholarships.
No scholarships= No Money
No Money= No Classes
No Classes= No Dorm
No Dorm= Back Home. . . . With HER
Tuesday
My eyes were pink(red), I had bags under my eyes (thank you makeup)
My body was sore(pains nothing new), my head hurt(yay aspirin).
I needed sleep.
Did I find it that night?
No.
Wednesday.
Ladies and Gentlemen, do you know how it feels to go 6 days sleep deprived?
I sincerely hope you don’t. Not only is it painful, but you tend to lose yourself.
In my desperation for sleep, I went to the one other person who I knew had sleeping issues just like myself.
The difference?
He had medication.
Prescribed Medication.
Do you know where this leads?
Lets cut down this long story.
I took the medication, I downed it, hospital, questioned for hours.
Awake for more hours.
I don’t think I was on the staffs good side.
What with the screaming and yelling and . . . misbehaving.
Sorry, but when your tired and they put you in a hospital and all you ask is for one more sleeping pill cause your tired, your going crazy, and they say no. . . .
You don’t think straight when your tired.
Obviously they all thought I was out to kill myself.
But was I really?
Honestly I’m not sure at this point.
I was really REALLY tired, and maybe in my desperation thought that maybe that was the best way to get it.
Not that I still think so.
Not since I found out that the medicine my doctor was giving me was making me sicker.
That the medicine made the nightmares more vivid.
That without it they aren’t as vivid
That without the wrong medication, the damage has already been done.
That even with the CORRECT medication, I still have them.
That the trauma keeps them there.
That peaceful sleep is unknown to me.
That I don’t know if its possible if I can ever find that in my sleep.
But hey, like I said progress, right?
Soooo, Mental Hospital.
That was fun, and no that isn’t sarcasm.
For once, there was no stress, no fear, I was able to avoid the people I didn’t want to see (and those I did want to see…), no school, no work, no kids, no pressure,
NOTHING.
Nothing to do, but sit, watch tv for an hour, draw, color,
Think.
But now I’m on the outside again, and things have taken a turn for the worst.
At first, I was able to attend school. Til I ended up in the ER again.
Then the school politely kicked me out as they handed me a ‘leave of absence’ form.
My jobs cut down my hours.
I lost my dorm.
My home.
And I’m back to the cell, from where I was kicked out in the first place.
Not that it was the first time I was kicked out of my parents place.
But I was sure hoping it’d be the last.
So where’s all this ‘progress’?
Nightmares are less vivid.
Counseling is somewhat helping me to cope.
Not having to pay for school, is helping me save money.
(For an apartment. Lord only knows when she’ll get sick of me and kick me out again)
Even with low hours, I did get my jobs back.
I’m drawing again.
I am getting more hours of sleep.
But like many people like to tell me, it has to get worse before it gets better.
And this is pretty bad isn’t it?
So I guess, I have to be patient.
And wait for the sun to shine through the black clouds that have been hovering over me for about 13 years.
Lucky numbers right?
Whatever.
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
So tonight I light a candle
And
Hope that I see more of this progress.
Soon.
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- April 11, 2012 12:31 am
- ·
English (US)