B.efore H.elp Note1

So this is the post ( or the beginning of a few)

In which I will go over everything this new blog has missed out on.

Fun isn’t it? To once again shuffle back through all the memories I would rather not. But then again, the mind is a curious thing, and I tend to find myself thinking about them throughout the day anyways.

Kind of hard not to, once you think about it, when the source of the many problems and conflicts I’ve faced is still in my life.

What happened? Where do I Begin? Perhaps by introducing my family members?
In the immediate family of course, or else id end up spending a whole week trying to get everyone down.

Brother: He’s 10 right now. Suffers from severe asthma and allergies to cats and dogs. Plays on a soccer team. Unfortunately for many years he was prohibited from taking his asthma medication, which almost killed him when he had a heart attack because he wasn’t taking it, that he cant play a position in soccer for long without running out of breathe.

Sister: Age 13 at this current time. Suffers from asthma and severe allergies to cats. She was prohibited her medication for a long time too, that now her allergies have spread to her face, arms, legs, and upper chest. She’s involved in volleyball, and drama club.

Father. Suffers from high blood pressure, and Lord knows what else. Buys his own medication since he was diagnosed. A pushover who runs away from confrontation to go drink.

Mother: Sick with many things, but the world may never know because she considers herself to be perfect. Clean freak, for lack of a better term. She has a strong need to be perfect, the cleanest house, the neatest appearance. Of course she refuses to go to the doctor because being diagnosed with a sickness would be an imperfection.

But because she wants to be perfect, of course she expects everyone in the family to be as well. But with all of us diagnosed with certain things, and have to take prescribed medication, what does she do?
Scare us out of taking it of course. Threaten the whole family to stop taking their medication, or resort to hiding it for fear of losing the financial aid she provides for them.

She takes care of a lot of people and for the longest time I wondered why this was so. Why would a person who hates human contact and only wishes to care for herself chose to have people depend on her? Simple. To instill so much fear in them that they carry out her bidding. That’s another thing she enjoys greatly: control.

Now before I continue to describe the attributes that go about to make my mother, let me say that she isn’t all cruel and hateful. She has shown that she is still human, and still possess a heart. She cares deeply for her mother, and will do everything she can to comfort her when she is sick. Which of course in this family, everyone is.
She cares for her daughter and son. She defends them when they were bullied. She cares. But the things that she cares for are very specific.

When I say I raised my sister and brother, the meaning behind that is that my mother refused to give my siblings the medicine they greatly needed, because she wanted them to appear perfect. The fault with that? When my sister was born she didn’t get enough oxygen to her brain, so she constantly needs to practice how to move her mouth to form words.

Being the oldest of my siblings, its granted that I will be the one with the most responsibility and have to keep an eye on them. But when I was in 7th grade, I was kicked out of my home. Now of course when a teen is kicked out of their home, its automatic for one to think that they did something wrong and deserved to be put out on the streets. Drugs, misdemeanor, sleeping around, etc. But I did none of that. Can you trust me on my word?
If you cant that’s fine. I wont hold your thoughts against you. But the real reason?

I was sick.

Not very convincing, huh? Allow me to elaborate. At the age of 10 and 11 I had my first two surgeries. So lets reflect on what that means. A mother who spends hours to appear perfect, and desires the perfect family, suddenly has to pay a sum amount of money to have the oldest daughter receive a giant white cast on one leg after the other.

Now, that doesn’t seem to be perfect at all, does it? And do you know what happened after I had my surgeries? Every, single morning for those two years, I was yelled at for wasting money on a ‘stupid thing’. I mean, logical isn’t it? How wrong of me to waste money on a leg I was hoping to be able
to walk on for the whole of my life. Greedy of me, and for that I apologize.

Anyways. Kicked out, It was my first time living on the streets. Not too bad, and I wasn’t there for long. My grandparents were kind and bold enough to take me in.

But the only contact I could have with my family a few towns over was through the home phone. But my mother decided she didn’t want me to talk to my siblings. So she cut it off, and bought cell phones for my father and for herself.

Two years passed. And I decided over the summer I was going to finally see my siblings. But lo- and behold that during my absence they became sicker. And what bothered me the most was that, fine my mother caused this she wont care, but for my father to turn away and act as if everything was normal?

My sister had become partially mute, because she forgot how to speak and form words. My brother could hardly walk to the bathroom across from his room, without having to stop and gasp for needed air.

So what did I do about this? Call the cops? DCFS? Tell a teacher?
No.
I decided that from then on, everyday I would FIND A WAY to make it to my mothers home, and take care of my siblings. I would work, anything, to buy their medication in substitution for my own. I will be the mother that we all needed. I would take my siblings under my wing, and give them the life I knew they deserve.

Pretty sappy story huh? Yeah, I know. Doesn’t sound like a real story. But hey, that’s your opinion, and I’m here to share what happened whether you believe me or not, that’s up to you.

But what happened after years of my sacrifice? Of cancelling time with friends, and other family, of missing out on school activities and clubs?
My sister can talk, hell she’s in drama club. AND VOLLEYBALL.
My brother? He can run and play for 30 minutes without having to take a break.

They have what they had once lost back. Thanks to me. I find them lucky, and to be honest I’m actually pretty jealous of them. Being able to have someone in this messed up family to be dependable.

Doesn’t make me a saint or perfect either. I sin.
You know, when your forced out onto the streets, where I have been several times, you find yourself being capable of doing things you never thought you could. Things that you could find yourself to be greatly ashamed about. But hey, one has to do what one has to do in order to survive.

Sigh. I have no desire to continue this for today.

But I leave with this message.

I don’t hate my mother. And despite all the things she’s put me through, I thank her. What could I possibly thank her for?




Mom.

What I could never tell you to your face, I shall spill here.
I thank you. Sincerely.
You’ve made me the person I am today, and will continue to become.
The person who sacrifices all she owns for others.
That smiles despite the mental and physical pain I have and will endure.
The girl that doesn’t get angry easily, but laughs and is light spirited, kind hearted.
You’ve shaped me to be a good person, despite all the hate you’ve feed me.
You taught me how to be everything your not and not capable of feeling.

Good. Kind. Patient. Caring. Loving. Helpful. Selfless.

So thanks.