by Chrystii
Running on a few days of no sleep. The Medicine isn’t working. The nightmares are back..
Hallucinations?
My dearest friend thinks so.
Do I think so.
MEH.
If it is, lets get rid of it, please?
Anyways, as shitty as things can get for me, things are actually starting to look up.
With a new job, going to be starting full time soon, and a part time job, Ill soon enough be raking in some cash.
Of course, Ill have to restrain myself from impulsive shopping.
So hopefully with these two jobs (Mcdonalds Part Time, Chipotle Full Time)
Ill be able to afford an apartment soon enough. Thank god!
All I gotta worry about is roommates. One will definitely have to be investing in a car soon. :/ Im thinking somewhere in between for both of us, like villa park or something. But Hey, anywhere but here, right?
So what else? I’m starting to exercise a bit more, even though I get no sleep and have no energy as is, I figure that if I keep moving, I’ll be able to work myself into getting tired. Eventually my body is gonna give, yeah?
I mean, Im trying to keep thinking positive, and keep tracking progress, but every step I take up, Im taking another down. Its like a balance. I need the right side to rise, while the left side sinks, but every time I remove something from the right to place on the left, some ASSHOLE puts something else back on the right.
But Hey, lifes a game, and no one enjoys a game on “super easy” Right?
We like a little challenge, to motivate us. I just hope this difficulty doesn’t end up killing me too soon.
And you know, Ive been doing a whole lot of thinking. And its killing me. What if years of abuse has made me crazy. Like really? I mean, I look back at the discharge papers and I see they wrote Diagnosis: Severe Psychosis, Major Depressive Disorder.
Psychosis/psychotic depression: Arent really pretty things to have.
I don’t remember exhibiting any symptoms that would make me… look psychotic.
Out of touch with reality? I don’t know if that’s just the hospital diagnosing me with whatever sounds good to them, or if while I was there I really did lose it. Then again, I ended up at the hospital in the first place due to lack of sleep and I know I pretty much lost my mind.
Gah. I don’t know. I grew up always trying to do my best in school. ( I know it seem I switched topics but bear with me for a moment) Straight A’s when I was little. (not trying to brag). Strong GPA throughout highschool. Scholarships and grants for college. Took 2 AP tests and Aced them.
I. Am. Pretty.Smart.
But since this happened, I feel like Im dipping my toes into crazy, and I don’t really enjoy feeling that Part of my mind is just disappearing.
Its an awful feeling.
And you know, Im not a person to think of the future. I never have too much time to day dream, and when I do, I don’t allow it. I’ve lived without big hope, because I learned young and fast that doing so is a slow killer. I tried to resist hoping for happiness, for love, for a miracle that my mother would go back. But when it didn’t happen, and I’d hope for YEARS, I realized its time to change the idea. I just hope to be able to survive the day. And I do. So far. So that’s something.
I’ve never thought about future boyfriends, I hardly ever loved any that Ive had so far, but one. I don’t think about marriage, or children, or life after today for more than a month. Its too much for me to do because something that’s so constant in my mind is the thought of suicide.
Im just waiting for the next time the would becomes too much for me, that I end up doing something stupid. I don’t doubt myself. It’ll be the 4th attempt. I mean, not that the previous 3 I was actually trying. Those were just accidents. But whose going to believe that?
Not the doctors that’s for sure. But hey, what can you do?
So anyways. I’ve been thinking about the future. And no, that isn’t necessarily a good thing.
All I can think about is, okay yeah. Im talking to a guy. I’ve talked to guys before that made me happy, and I cared for. But I mean, all I can think about now, is years later, what kind of man is going to be able to put up with me, if nothing really changes by then?
What kind of man is going to want me? A girl who will scream every other night in sheer terror from another nightmare that he cannot save me from, but can only desperately try to comfort me afterwards. The girl that will fear every mistake she makes fearing abuse. The girl that will hide, and will want to be alone randomly because she cant bear to be around people for long for fear of doing something wrong. The girl that cant say I love you too many times, because all she can think about is the pain associated with that word. The girl that wont be able to look into his eyes for long for fear. Fear. FeaR.
FUCKING FEAR.
What if this fear never goes away, you guys? What will I do?
Sigh. Guess I gotta try even harder with what I’ve got.
I get sick a lot, and sometimes I wish this was just another surgery I needed. Bop. Surgery, cut open some flesh, mess around in a body, seal it up, problem solved.
But no. I had to be traumatized, and brain damaged.
Something surgery cant fix, and medicine doesn’t work.
Time to hope for something bigger.
Time to hope for me to get better, and have the will to think stronger.
Time to love myself, because in the end, Ill only have myself, yeah?
So lets start, Shall I?
Dearest Tina.
Honestly there isn’t a list I can come up with things that I like about you. But I’ll try to make a list, and continuously add things to it. But Ive come to realize that I do think you are pretty. Took a hell of a lot of people to tell me first, but Im starting to see how I like the shape of your eyes. Almond and wide. Though boring in nature, I do like how deep your brown eyes are. I like how hard of a worker you are. How you take on more than you can chew, and still do it with a smile, and without a sweat.
I think you really try to be a good person, even though you fuck it up sometimes.
Tina. I think you can try harder. Smile more. Laugh Louder.
And most important,
Live Lighter.
You put a lot of weight on yourself, that you shouldn’t have to.
Stop. Blaming. Yourself.
You cant change anyone but yourself, and only for yourself.
Stop trying to please someone who isn’t worth it.
Because I think you are worth it.
Your friends think your worth it.
Tina I think Im starting to like you a bit.
Hallucinations?
My dearest friend thinks so.
Do I think so.
MEH.
If it is, lets get rid of it, please?
Anyways, as shitty as things can get for me, things are actually starting to look up.
With a new job, going to be starting full time soon, and a part time job, Ill soon enough be raking in some cash.
Of course, Ill have to restrain myself from impulsive shopping.
So hopefully with these two jobs (Mcdonalds Part Time, Chipotle Full Time)
Ill be able to afford an apartment soon enough. Thank god!
All I gotta worry about is roommates. One will definitely have to be investing in a car soon. :/ Im thinking somewhere in between for both of us, like villa park or something. But Hey, anywhere but here, right?
So what else? I’m starting to exercise a bit more, even though I get no sleep and have no energy as is, I figure that if I keep moving, I’ll be able to work myself into getting tired. Eventually my body is gonna give, yeah?
I mean, Im trying to keep thinking positive, and keep tracking progress, but every step I take up, Im taking another down. Its like a balance. I need the right side to rise, while the left side sinks, but every time I remove something from the right to place on the left, some ASSHOLE puts something else back on the right.
But Hey, lifes a game, and no one enjoys a game on “super easy” Right?
We like a little challenge, to motivate us. I just hope this difficulty doesn’t end up killing me too soon.
And you know, Ive been doing a whole lot of thinking. And its killing me. What if years of abuse has made me crazy. Like really? I mean, I look back at the discharge papers and I see they wrote Diagnosis: Severe Psychosis, Major Depressive Disorder.
Psychosis/psychotic depression: Arent really pretty things to have.
I don’t remember exhibiting any symptoms that would make me… look psychotic.
Out of touch with reality? I don’t know if that’s just the hospital diagnosing me with whatever sounds good to them, or if while I was there I really did lose it. Then again, I ended up at the hospital in the first place due to lack of sleep and I know I pretty much lost my mind.
Gah. I don’t know. I grew up always trying to do my best in school. ( I know it seem I switched topics but bear with me for a moment) Straight A’s when I was little. (not trying to brag). Strong GPA throughout highschool. Scholarships and grants for college. Took 2 AP tests and Aced them.
I. Am. Pretty.Smart.
But since this happened, I feel like Im dipping my toes into crazy, and I don’t really enjoy feeling that Part of my mind is just disappearing.
Its an awful feeling.
And you know, Im not a person to think of the future. I never have too much time to day dream, and when I do, I don’t allow it. I’ve lived without big hope, because I learned young and fast that doing so is a slow killer. I tried to resist hoping for happiness, for love, for a miracle that my mother would go back. But when it didn’t happen, and I’d hope for YEARS, I realized its time to change the idea. I just hope to be able to survive the day. And I do. So far. So that’s something.
I’ve never thought about future boyfriends, I hardly ever loved any that Ive had so far, but one. I don’t think about marriage, or children, or life after today for more than a month. Its too much for me to do because something that’s so constant in my mind is the thought of suicide.
Im just waiting for the next time the would becomes too much for me, that I end up doing something stupid. I don’t doubt myself. It’ll be the 4th attempt. I mean, not that the previous 3 I was actually trying. Those were just accidents. But whose going to believe that?
Not the doctors that’s for sure. But hey, what can you do?
So anyways. I’ve been thinking about the future. And no, that isn’t necessarily a good thing.
All I can think about is, okay yeah. Im talking to a guy. I’ve talked to guys before that made me happy, and I cared for. But I mean, all I can think about now, is years later, what kind of man is going to be able to put up with me, if nothing really changes by then?
What kind of man is going to want me? A girl who will scream every other night in sheer terror from another nightmare that he cannot save me from, but can only desperately try to comfort me afterwards. The girl that will fear every mistake she makes fearing abuse. The girl that will hide, and will want to be alone randomly because she cant bear to be around people for long for fear of doing something wrong. The girl that cant say I love you too many times, because all she can think about is the pain associated with that word. The girl that wont be able to look into his eyes for long for fear. Fear. FeaR.
FUCKING FEAR.
What if this fear never goes away, you guys? What will I do?
Sigh. Guess I gotta try even harder with what I’ve got.
I get sick a lot, and sometimes I wish this was just another surgery I needed. Bop. Surgery, cut open some flesh, mess around in a body, seal it up, problem solved.
But no. I had to be traumatized, and brain damaged.
Something surgery cant fix, and medicine doesn’t work.
Time to hope for something bigger.
Time to hope for me to get better, and have the will to think stronger.
Time to love myself, because in the end, Ill only have myself, yeah?
So lets start, Shall I?
Dearest Tina.
Honestly there isn’t a list I can come up with things that I like about you. But I’ll try to make a list, and continuously add things to it. But Ive come to realize that I do think you are pretty. Took a hell of a lot of people to tell me first, but Im starting to see how I like the shape of your eyes. Almond and wide. Though boring in nature, I do like how deep your brown eyes are. I like how hard of a worker you are. How you take on more than you can chew, and still do it with a smile, and without a sweat.
I think you really try to be a good person, even though you fuck it up sometimes.
Tina. I think you can try harder. Smile more. Laugh Louder.
And most important,
Live Lighter.
You put a lot of weight on yourself, that you shouldn’t have to.
Stop. Blaming. Yourself.
You cant change anyone but yourself, and only for yourself.
Stop trying to please someone who isn’t worth it.
Because I think you are worth it.
Your friends think your worth it.
Tina I think Im starting to like you a bit.
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- April 19, 2012 1:11 am
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